Skip to main content

Lovely

He is my refuge, my ever constant help, my anchor in the storm. He keeps my feet from slipping, He sets me in the high places. He saves me.

And I stand in awe of what He is doing in my heart. 

Two months ago I would have said I wasn't prepared for today, had I known what today would bring to me. I would have turned and run the other way. And I would have missed it.

I would have missed the shouts of Hallelujah, the giggles in the middle of the night. I would have missed learning how to feel the wind in my fingers, and how the sun draws me into its warmth. I would have missed snipping bottle tops, rocking for hours, singing songs to silly tunes. 

Had you told me what I would have missed I still would have wanted to run away if I had known what I know today. 

But God is greater then my weakness.

He set a love in my heart for these girls that is fierce and lovely, and cannot be explained. 

I know what is before me and I know that the road is crazy, ridiculously difficult and with each turn I won't know what is coming. 

But I love them.
I love them.

I don't like to even say the words "regardless of." 
No, I just love them. 





To me they are not:

  • Dandy Walker
  • Small pituitary
  • Growth hormone deficiency
  • Globally delayed
  • Cognitively impaired
  • Malnourished
  • Non verbal
  • Blind
They are just my daughters. 

And it reminded me of how God has loved me, just me, not who I am becoming or what I have done, just me. 

He is teaching me every single day just what I am to Him. 
I am his daughter, His orphaned daughter. 

And He is my Father, my Abba. His love for me is not conditioned on my daily devotions, my worship of Him, my sacrifices to Him. 

It exists because He has chosen to love me, unconditionally, to remove my sins and place them so far away I could never find them again if I spend every waking moment looking.


He really does love me.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Loving A Child Who Cannot Speak

I have a daughter and she is nonverbal. It is one of the most difficult portions of my life. When the tears fall it becomes a guessing game. When we miss the mark of the needs the tears become screams. The frustration that mounts for everyone is intense. That screaming can last for what feels like an eternity. What ends it? Her resignation. She has no choice but to quit. Nobody is answering her need. Because we don't even know what it is. Imagine all of your needs every single day and now imagine that you can never, not even once, tell one single person what you need. What a horrifying thing. Those dreams where you are being chased and you are scared and you try to scream for help but nothing comes out of your throat? That is her world. And we, as her parents, watch on in sheer pain and frustration. Just sign it!!! Just try to say something. Anything. And she does. Every single day this brave soul yells out, makes sounds, tries. Not a single day goes by when she doesn't try...
140 comments
Read more

The Coming Trauma

I'm on the verge of traveling to adopt two little girls in, hopefully, a few weeks. The thing is, I've done this before, I've adopted before and I know what is coming. Trauma is coming, beautiful, harder than I can imagine or probably even remember trauma. I remember coming home and feeling utterly alone and wondering what on God's green earth I had done. I remember feeling horribly guilty for the thoughts going through my head and I remember hiding in my room as I slumped against the bedroom door and yanked at the hair on my scalp. Oh, but heavens, I remember. It hasn't been that long, not even two years. I swore I would never go back. I was quite certain I would never survive and if I did, well, then that must mean that my son had not survived. It was one or the other. We wouldn't both make it out of that first year. Then, I saw a mom I had met in China post a picture of her son throwing a tantrum and I thought, "Maybe I'm not alone!" I cal...
6 comments
Read more

The Superiority of Children with Special Needs.

I grew up in a world where special needs were all around me. My mom was a special education teacher and she brought kids into our home who had special and unique needs. It was perfectly normal to read books with pictures of children in wheelchairs or see hearing aids sitting on the counter at home. With that in mind I walked into special needs parenting with rose colored glasses. I knew in the back of my head that moms have to stand up for their children and that not everyone is accepting of them, yet somehow it became a distant thought that I would be dealing with the ugliness of humanity as I drank in the beauty of my newest daughters. They are so lovely that it shadows the darkness that is out there. But those rose colored glasses have been thrown in the mud and smeared so much so that I can no longer see through them. I'm taking up the battle of the special needs parent. Today, my post may seem like I'm starting a battle. So be it. Adults have recoiled their hands whe...
1 comment
Read more