Katie R. Hurst

The last month we had a lot to do. The month ended with my grandfather's Arlington Cemetery burial and family reunion. I wasn't able to be there for his funeral and this was my chance to honor the hero that he was. Ellie was strapped to me as we placed a rose at the resting place of her namesake and I wish for everything that both of those amazing people had been here to meet my darling girls. They would have wondered what I was thinking and probably told me that this was too much for me. I'm pretty positive my spunky grandmother would have dropped a few "Good God's!!"  But they would have choked up when my girls slipped their hands into their life-worn, aged hands. They would have loved them well. Shirley Jean Moschell Penny would have loved sitting with my Ellie and drawing her out of her traumatized shell. She would not have minded Ellie's rough, too loud voice. She would have told her to keep talking, keep yelling until she got it right. And she woul

Fallen, hard, impossible, failure, pain, agony, rain, tears, lonely, inadequate. These words were subtly whispered. I felt their slight breeze as they sneaked into small cracks of my heart but never recognized when they made themselves at home. They were small and subtle and I thought nothing of them until all of them combined  and together found strength in my exhaustion. Together, as one whole, they stood as an intangible force intent on becoming my ruin. They worked so hard to become words with importance, with weight, words that could define my soul. They were eager to finish their work.  Before I even had time to recognize their existence they left me broken and bruised. Whispering their own names over and over again in my heart, they found solace in creating misery, every action creating a branding on my soul. Ever so slowly I noticed changes, a head that couldn’t lift itself all the way, tears that constantly begged for release, insecurities and lips that leaked poison.

Days before, weeks before, you begin to research. Because, frankly, you are an awesome, rockin', momma. Because you have these amazing kids who  deserve every ounce of who you are to help them become every ounce of who  they can be. You beautify and try to look professional. Probably changing a million shirts because they  all definitely have some sort of kid stain. And then, THEN, you remember to forget it all. Your kid is at stake. Time to gear up and  take on this IEP Like.A.Boss. You arrive to the meeting place. You inevitably find these members: The one who looks like you did before your third shower. The one you feel sorry for in the way that you are sure she has had the kind of day that you probably call normal . Still, your sympathy is with that one.  The one who is geared up and ready to fight with you and for you  and against all the others who dare to cross paths with her.