The last few years my soul was just so doggone tired that I couldn't write, wouldn't write. I found myself too tired of the haters, too tired of being needed, too tired of advocating and seeing not one soul step forward for a child, a real child.I was sick of telling people about adoption and watching them go on about their lives as if there were not real children depending on their yes. I was tired of seeing the posts about a waiting child die. The anger was consuming me.
I was tired of opening up about our reality only to have friends back away from us, from our needs. I was disgusted with people telling me I was too impassioned for the needy people in this world. I was filled with so many emotions. Frankly, I was tired of my own difficult road as well, tired of diapers, feeding times, bathing time, IEP's and teaching teachers how to teach.
I wrestled with God about resting. Eventually, I heard him telling me to go to sleep, to rest in the shadow of His wings. So I took all my anger, hurt, grief, and frustration with me to the One who already knew the depths of my soul. The last two years I ranted, raged and slept quietly while asking Him to bring restoration to my heart, mind and soul.
I believe in Him. I believe in His grace, wisdom and love. He is merciful when I am merciless. He is faithful when I lose my steps. He is always, always, always loving me. I came to the point when I fell on my knees in my closet, surrounded by my prayers on the walls, and asked Him to hold me because I was too tired to cling to anything or anyone.
He has done exactly that.
On the days when I questioned His goodness, He poured mercy.
On the days when I raged against His plan, He wept with me.
On the days when I ran from Him, He ran right beside me.
He is everything I could not be. He is everything I need.
In many ways nothing has changed. In my home, many behaviors in some of my children have worsened. We have more diagnosis than ever before, more medications, more dietary restrictions. Appointments feel constant. In the world, Christians are still more involved in sports than orphan care. Money is thrown at uniforms while families scrape for the next adoption payment. Americans decry their own persecution while refusing to lift the persecuted out of the depths of bondage.
Nothing about God has changed. He still calls us. He still weeps over the orphan. Heaven still sings when one more orphan finds a family. He still hates discrimination and segregation. And despite all of our rebellions and shortcomings, He still loves us. He still loves me. He still loves YOU.
What amazing grace.
He is still calling us to get our hands dirty. Calling us to be the very antithesis of what we usually think of as a good Christian.
Be the one whom others question because it can't possibly be that you are really reaching THOSE people. Let them think you are becoming one of them while you continue to bear the light into the darkest corners of this world. Let them write stories about your family wanting attention while you rush to one more child. Let them whisper behind your back about your passion being too strong.
You do not answer to them.
Be fire.
Be fury.
Be mercy to the merciless.
Forgive them anyways.
Remind them of the God who saved even them.
I was tired of opening up about our reality only to have friends back away from us, from our needs. I was disgusted with people telling me I was too impassioned for the needy people in this world. I was filled with so many emotions. Frankly, I was tired of my own difficult road as well, tired of diapers, feeding times, bathing time, IEP's and teaching teachers how to teach.
I believe in Him. I believe in His grace, wisdom and love. He is merciful when I am merciless. He is faithful when I lose my steps. He is always, always, always loving me. I came to the point when I fell on my knees in my closet, surrounded by my prayers on the walls, and asked Him to hold me because I was too tired to cling to anything or anyone.
He has done exactly that.
On the days when I questioned His goodness, He poured mercy.
On the days when I raged against His plan, He wept with me.
On the days when I ran from Him, He ran right beside me.
He is everything I could not be. He is everything I need.
In many ways nothing has changed. In my home, many behaviors in some of my children have worsened. We have more diagnosis than ever before, more medications, more dietary restrictions. Appointments feel constant. In the world, Christians are still more involved in sports than orphan care. Money is thrown at uniforms while families scrape for the next adoption payment. Americans decry their own persecution while refusing to lift the persecuted out of the depths of bondage.
Nothing about God has changed. He still calls us. He still weeps over the orphan. Heaven still sings when one more orphan finds a family. He still hates discrimination and segregation. And despite all of our rebellions and shortcomings, He still loves us. He still loves me. He still loves YOU.
What amazing grace.
He is still calling us to get our hands dirty. Calling us to be the very antithesis of what we usually think of as a good Christian.
Be the one whom others question because it can't possibly be that you are really reaching THOSE people. Let them think you are becoming one of them while you continue to bear the light into the darkest corners of this world. Let them write stories about your family wanting attention while you rush to one more child. Let them whisper behind your back about your passion being too strong.
You do not answer to them.
Be fire.
Be fury.
Be mercy to the merciless.
Forgive them anyways.
Remind them of the God who saved even them.
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